What Can I Say?
by the.eye.does.not.SEE
Summary: While reminiscing on his encounters with Brennan, Booth tries to find a way to breach their professional relationship
1. Chapter 1

"_What can I say? I got a thing for the bad boys. Don't you?" Gidget asked, her eyes flashing to Bones._

"_No. I prefer good boys." _

"_Really?" I asked, glancing at her. Is she just saying this or does she really, truly like the "good boys?" Please say yes, Bones, please…_

"_Yes," she answered with complete certainty, looking into my eyes._

I thought about that conversation for a long time afterwards. Even though we were busy with the case, it didn't mean I couldn't separate my thinking and focus on those few words that were exchanged. I can compartmentalize. Like Bones can.

God, just thinking of her made me anxious. It wasn't like I was nervous to be _around _her…I was just worried I'd let something slip. So, I suppose I _am _nervous to be around her. But, more than that, I can't stand being _away_ from her. I know it sounds cliché, but she really is like a drug. I know it's wrong to hold onto her like this, but I can't let her go. I can't just leave and hope that, when I come back, everything will be fine and tension-free. And I really can't risk leaving (or staying) and ruin what we have…Even if I _do _want more. It wouldn't be fair. To her, to me, to the FBI, the Jeffersonian, and to all the squints and agents we work with.

So what choice do I have? As long as I'm being indecisive, I should indulge myself, right? Just being near her is enough sometimes…

But damn it—I really don't know how long I can deal with this state of limbo. I mean, I see her _every day._ That should take away some of the appeal, you know? Like being around a person should make you be able to desensitize yourself to them. To the way they talk, they way the move, the way they smell…

Okay, this needs to stop. I need to do _something_ to get rid of my obsession with her. Thinking about her like this is what gets me into trouble. It's what I fear everyday. We work around murderers and thieves daily, but the only thing that I concentrate my fear on is the fact that I could, in one fell swoop, ruin all that we've built.

It can be so hard breaking down the walls she builds to separate herself from others. Everything that's happened to her causes her to put another wall up, further separating her from the people who know her, the people who _love _her. People like me.

I don't know how she doesn't see that I feel this way! I know that I, either by accident or intention, can make it a little obvious—but I swear, it's only to give her a hint. Or its to just give in to my instincts. Sometimes.

All those small touches…They are the highlight of my day, my month, my year…Ultimately, my life. That, if I had the balls to, would want to share with her. But I just can't bring myself to do it. I've talked to Sweets and Gordon Gordon about this…But I really don't know if it's possible to find an answer that _doesn't _potentially ruin our partnership. Whenever we touch, I feel like I am somehow crossing a line. I know that there isn't _really _a line, but I feel like I'm endangering us in some way. More so than the physical violence we're threatened with on a daily basis.

The "guy hugs" that we share seem to have lasted a bit longer than normal…All the shielding that I've done, I always get a little closer than normal. It's never hard to find an excuse to be close to her—not when bombs are going off and people are being killed. Luckily, she always counts on me for support, and since I'm being a masochist, I'll always give it to her, without asking for more.

Now, I think it is time to ask for more. I just don't know how.

After the brain tumor, things were very different than before. Beforehand, we had kissed (once) and she had, very boldly, asked for my sperm for a baby. To say I was surprised by either of her actions during those times would be a steep understatement.

Of course, I was _thrilled _to kiss her…It was just awkward with Caroline there. Of course, when I realized what was about to happen, I freaked. I knew that I'd let something go—kiss her to long, touch her face, something that would show how deeply I really did care about her. And Caroline there just put me even more on the edge. It was like she was checking to see if one of us made a move. I just couldn't _do _it—I kept trying to look for a way out, glancing from the mistletoe to Caroline, to Bones…Hoping _something_ would save me. Sure enough, though, nothing did, and Bones grabbed my jacket and just _kissed me_. Our eyes were closed the whole time (well, at least mine were), but I can just imagine the look on Caroline's face. I _knew_ this would happen! I know Bones tried to warn me, but god! We were practically making out right in the front of her office—with at least one person as an audience—obviously more, from the way everyone reacted later…

After the kiss ended, I was literally out of breath. I staggered a bit away from her and tried to regain my bearings. I could still feel what it was like when Bones grabbed my lapels…Very sexy, actually…And then we were apart, each stepping a bit farther away. Bones probably did so out of embarrassment—I moved so I wouldn't jump her in her office. I mean, that kiss was enough to just…It was hot, is what I'm trying to say.

As a way to break the uncomfortable silence and get that shocked look of Caroline's face, Bones asked her if it was enough "steamboats." At first, I thought this was another one of Bones' attempts at one of her "colloquiums" but it turned out that Caroline knew exactly what Bones was getting at, adding that it was "A whole flow tiller." Of course, still practically unconscious from that kiss, I responded with, "I don't know what that means…" I think I'm turning into Bones. I spend so much time around her, I'm even picking up her phrases. She's doing the same with me, too, I suppose, seeing as she's being trying harder to make jokes and use normal vocabulary.

After Caroline left, and Bones and I awkwardly parted, I realized while we kissed, her gum had somehow made it's way into my mouth. I left her with an uneasy thanks, and left, running into Angela and Hodgins.

They both looked overly happy, and I was too distracted to even acknowledge what it might be from. Before Bones and I had kissed, I had heard them talking about Christmas plans, which I suspected they were still caught up in; I didn't even register that it could be about the kiss.

_"Dude!" Hodgins called appreciatively as he clapped my shoulder. Normally, this doesn't happen—I wouldn't _let _it happen, but I was still dazed._

_"What?" I asked, trying to be oblivious and act normal._

_ "You just kissed _Brennan!"_ Angela almost screamed. I immediately looked at my shoes, refusing to meet their excited gaze._

_ "Oh. Um, it was, you know, for her…" I cleared my throat, trying to unscramble my thoughts, as I suddenly remembered. "It was for her family. Caroline's the prosecutor on Bone—_her_ father's case, and he wanted Christmas for his family. The, er, the only way she'd let that happed was if Bones…If she, um, if she kissed me. And, um, I'm never against Christmas, so I thought I'd help her out. And I gotta go, so I'll call you guys later when I've got something on the dead Santa case!" I finished quickly trying to escape._

_ Luckily, Hodgins, noticing my discomfort, backed off to his work station, but Angela ran after me and I jogged away._

_ "_What?! _You kissed her to…make her father's Christmas? No way. No way that how it went down, Booth."_

_ "Well, sorry to say, but it is," I said hurriedly, searching for an exit._

_ "Booth, no! That can't be it!" She followed me out into the snow as I tried to shake her off._

_ "Well, sorry to crush your hopes and dreams," and mine, "Angela, but that's what it was. Bones had it all planned out and everything. It wasn't a romantic thing at all. I just did it to make Christmas for her family."_

_ "Booth," she pulled my arm, stopping me near the crosswalk, "This is serious. Jack and I both saw what happened. That wasn't _just _a kiss for a friend. This is important; you need to talk to Brennan, hell talk to _someone!"

_"Yeah, great idea, Angela, I will when I get the chance. I gotta go pick up Parker from school so I'll see you in a while," I called as I jumped into my car._

_ "Hey," Angela yelled through the glass, "It's only eleven! Parker isn't out of school until three! Booth!"_

Of course she was right. Angela was always right. Gordon Gordon was perfectly accurate when he commented that Angela could always see the truth in people. As what it's always like in these situations, I should have listened to her. I should have gone back in and talked to Bones about this. Or at least called her or arranged to eat or _something._ I shouldn't have blown it off like this and let it fester. It only made things worse. Now I was just _desperate _in my attempts with her.

Sure, there were times when I was almost positive that she wanted to be near me, like it when I hugged her or shielded her…But, as it was with Bones, I could never be certain. I couldn't pinpoint if this was our relationship—just professional—or if she wanted more.

I know that _I _wanted more…But would it be conceivable to even _wish _that without somehow endangering the balance that we have now?


	2. Chapter 2

_ "I don't understand. Has there been some sort of crisis?" Sweets asked as we met him at the diner._

_ "Yes. I have a crisis," Bones replied._

_ "Bones, it was just mistletoe." Mistletoe isn't a crisis is it? For me it was, but that's only because I'm…Because I don't know how to act around her._

_ "Not the kiss. That was nothing." _Nothing? NOTHING?

_ "You kissed?" Don't worry, Sweets, I didn't see it coming either._

_ "Mistletoe," I quickly explained._

_ "That's not the crisis."_

_ "Was there tongue?" God, I wish…_

_ "Alright, you know what? Get your own sex life, alright, Sweets?" As always, I retaliated with a joke. Jokes do make us realize our hidden desires, right? I'm sure my desire isn't _that_ hidden._

_ "Well, it had nothing to do with sex," Bones clarified._

_ "Nothing." No. It has something to do with sex. Just say so!_

_ "No."_

_ "There was no se—it was mistletoe," I adamantly told him._

_ "Totally sex less."_

It wasn't sex less. It was more than a kiss—to me at least. I thought it was the same for Bones—the way she acted afterward obviously showed that she was flustered over what had happened. At first I had thought that she was flustered because we had kissed, but, as it turned out, I guess she was just embarrassed.

She was so quick to shot it down. _Not the kiss. That was nothing. _Nothing. _Nothing?_ That moment, though I tried to shake it off around the two, really got to me. How could it be _nothing?_ I know that she kissed back—she initiated it, actually! And since it went on for so long, how could it _not_ be sex-filled? I know a passionate kiss when I see one (or experience one), and, judging from Angela and Hodgins' response, they thought it was as well.

If only Bones would feel that way. If she would somehow take notice of all the hints that went on around her. If she would just look at me for once, and comprehend all the want and need and love that I have for her. How can she not see this? I know that it's evident in the way that I act around her—but I can't seem to help it. If only she would notice…Then things might be different.

This was just like when I she wanted to have a baby. Wow, did that impulse come out of nowhere! _Where_ does she even get the idea that she wants kids?! She's made it clear many times that she doesn't want to get married or have kids. So why now? Does she think she'll run out of time? I was really only kidding when I said that when we were taking care of Andy…Maybe I thought if she got desperate enough quick enough, she'd choose me. Pathetic, I know.

Be careful what you wish for, right?

I mean, she brought that out of nowhere! It's like her brain was hardwired to sex in that session. Not that my brain isn't—when I'm around her—but hers isn't usually. How can she go from hunger to sex? I said hunger because I thought she'd say a food, not launch into a one-word conversation about sex in front of Sweets! And then she dropped the bombshell.

_"Hunger," I had said, almost seductively. _

_ "Sex."_

_ "_Woah." _I didn't _really _mean it like that! …Did I?_

_ "Horse."_

_ "Cowboy."_

_ "Child."_

"_Baby."_

"_Booth."_

"_What? What, do you think I'm a baby?" I am _not _a baby!_

"_Your father."_

"_Oh. Mother."_

"_Birth."_

"_Happy," I said with a smile, looking at her. Just thinking about being with her in any way made me happy._

"_Sperm."_

"_Sperm? Isn't this getting a little weird?" This just gets worse and worse._

"_No, keep going." God, Sweets…What a perv._

"_Okay…Uh, egg!"_

"_I want a baby!"_

"_WOAH!" Where did _this _come from?!_

"_Horse."_

"_No, wait, whoa, wait a minute."_

"_Yeah, we can stop here." Thank you, Sweets! For once…_

"_I actually found that quite interesting."_

"_You wanna have a baby?" I swear I could feel the sweat on my forehead. She wanted to have a _baby_? With who? I didn't know she was dating anyone…_

"_I just realized it. I should have a progeny, it's selfish of me not to."_

"_Selfish?" Sweets asked, just as confused as I was._

"_Yes!"_

"_Don't you need a, you know, _guy_?"'_

"_Just sperm. You'd be a very good donor, potentially." _Just_ sperm? Is she _crazy?

"_Me?" What the fuck?! She's considering _me _to help her make a_ baby_?! Not that I'm offended or anything…_

"_Well, you'd need to be tested, of course."_

_ Saved by the bell. Just as I was rendered _completely_ speechless, my cell rings, but, as with all living hells, it doesn't stop Bones from continuing in her quest to suddenly get knocked up. As we run out to leave, I turn back to Sweets.  
"This is all_ your_ fault!"_

"_Okay, I know this was surprising—" I cut off his rebuttal with the shutting of his office door._

That was probably one of the most awkward moments of my life. Leave it to Sweets to make our partnership even more stressed and filled with tension than it already was. I _knew _that stupid word-association game would get us into shit. It _is _his fault that all this happened! I mean, if he hadn't started this up, I wouldn't be faced with this decision!

What am I going to _do?_ I mean, of course I'll help her, if that's what she wants. There isn't really anything I wouldn't do for her. And vice versa, I hope. I mean she kept bringing it up _all _day! As if I didn't have enough on my plate…How was I going to do this, though? Watch her carry _my_ baby without me actually being involved? Can I even _deal _with that?

Not to mention the hallucinations. It's like they were egging me on! Is the whole world conspiring against me, even my delusions?! What was even worse was when Cam brought it up.

_"You and Brennan, you're going to have a baby?"_

_ "She told you?"_

_ "She told everyone! It's probably on the news by now."_

_ "I'm just donating."_

_ "So you _decided_?"_

_ "No. No! I am decid_ing! I-n-g!"

_"I know you, Seely! You're gonna do it! You wanna do it! Without really doing it, but it's still doing it, even if you're not doing it the way it should be done."_

_ "She wants a kid, okay? It'll make her more personable with people."_

_ "And what will it do for you?" Good question._

_ "She'll get what she wanted!"_

_ "A piece of you."_

I mean, damn, Cam really hit the nail on the head there. Ever since Bones asked, I knew I'd do it. It was the only way I could get close enough to her, to bind us together, without being rejected. It was pretty much all that I could handle. It's kind of a masochists view, but, even if it leaves me a little broken, I wouldn't trade just being on the sidelines of her life for anything.

But I can't believe she told the _squints._ At least I wasn't there to deal with _that._ That would've been _real _hell. Cam is nothing compared to the humiliation that I would have to endure as she announced to the whole lab that she's potentially going to be having _my_ baby.

And then, as if to dog pile on what will soon be named the most humiliating day in the history of humankind, she told me in the car that, if I was worried or had any doubts, she could just use Fisher's sperm. FISHER'S sperm?! No way is that happening.

_ "Fisher? Oh, whoa, you are _not_ having Fisher's kids! You'd be giving birth to the spawn of Satan! Okay? I'll do it."_

Well, if the only way to quell fears about her having someone else's baby was to make sure she'd have _mine._ If that was going to be how this went down, then so be it! I really can't risk her having Fisher's kids. I wasn't kidding with that spawn of Satan stuff.

If she was going to have anyone's kid it had to be mine. It was like I had this possessive urge to be the one to be with her…Bones would most likely use the term "mate," but that just seems so…animalistic. Of course, this doesn't mean I'm sold on the idea—I want her to have my baby, but…not quite like _this. _Cam was right. I wasn't _doing it_ the right way. I _want_ to be with her…But if this is as close as I can get, well…I guess I'll take it.

Though, God knows, it'll make our relationship all the more complicated. I mean, what happens when we have to work together when she's pregnant…And what if people ask if it's mine? What do I say? _Well, technically this _is_ my child inside of her, but we aren't together…We haven't even had sex…_Then it'll bring up all the confusing questions about how you have a kid _without _ having sex, how I can still work with her, be _around _her, when she's pregnanat with my sort-of baby…This situation is impossible. Either I giver her my stuff and she has _our_—God, that sounds so nice—child and she takes care of it on her own, or I don't give her my stuff and she gets her kid somewhere else! I really can't let her hav Fisher's kid when there's a possibility she could have mine.

And how can she be a good mom? I really, _really_ don't mean that as an insult…But Bones, a single mom, raising a baby while working a full-time life-threatening job…I mean, she did an alright job with Andy, but that was only a couple days. What if this was permanent? How could she deal with that?


End file.
